It's Just a Cucumber

Saturday I went shopping with my friend MP. (She has been helping me with my finances and was showing me how to do my grocery shopping with less money). We were checking out our groceries at the self-checkouts. MP was at one and I was at another. Not a big deal normally, but this time it was. 

I was scanning my purchases when I came to the grapes. I needed to look up the item and could not remember the word "grapes". It was only for a moment, so, no big deal. I scanned a couple more items and then I came to the cucumber. What an unassuming vegetable a cucumber is. It is green like so many other vegetables and Its flavor is fairly bland so I like to add seasoning salt and lime or ranch dressing. It is not a very expensive vegetable either and yet It stole something from me. 

You see, I couldn't remember the word "cucumber". Unlike the word "grape", the word for this unassuming vegetable refused to come to my mind. It seemed the harder I searched for the word the further away it seemed to be. I looked around to ask someone but there was no one around to ask. Before, when I was at a loss for a word, I would simply describe it to someone and they would help me. The scanning machine was not helpful. MP was busy with her scanner, in fact, the person who helps people with the scanning was helping her. I was starting to get anxious and agitated. I looked at the machine again, hoping the word would come to me but it would not. I had a sudden urge to throw the vegetable at something. I was starting to worry about other people waiting and here I was with a vegetable with a name I could not remember and I started to cry. MP finally came towards me and in desperation, I held out this unassuming offensive vegetable to her and asked her "What is this called?" I was told it was a cucumber and that I didn't need to cry. She did not understand. I had to cry.

You see, I lost something that day. Me. 

You see, I had a Plan. I would work for 5 more years. Pay off debt and save more money for my future retirement. I was going to retire and maybe work part-time as a sub to keep busy but do it only when I feel like it. The rest of the time, I would work on projects, sewing mostly, but also learning to play the violin (I have two) or maybe work on learning to play the piano again but this time with a teacher like my mom does. I would even start reading books again. I would get to visit my children and grandchildren more.  I would still be busy but on my terms and on what I really wanted to do and not let things like trying to earn a living get in the way. I could do what I want, go where I want, and do it all when I want.

But up to this "cucumber" moment, my life has been slowly changing because of fatigue, Parkinson-like symptoms, memory loss, apathy, and worsening anxiety. Tests have been done: the MoCA, Brain PET scan, DAT scan, and a Lumbar Puncture. TMS treatments and medication for depression, apathy, and memory loss have been added. But I realized that in less than two weeks the Plan could change because a working diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia would probably change to an actual diagnosis.  

My life is no longer planned. I am not sure anymore, what my life is going to be like. I don't know what I am going to be like. Can I work for 5 more years? Will I be able to pay off my debt before I retire? Will I have enough money to live off of if I retire early? Will I be able to learn new things? How long will I be able to be independent? I am told I can't drive. Is that true? How am I going to do what I want, when I want if I can't drive? How long will I be me?  Dumb Cucumber.